Night and Day

Everything is Spinning, the World is whirling around.

Awkward and Silent, my feet firmly on the ground.

Perfectly Still, and quiet I sit, only considering the Silence to vent.

Bitterness burns with acidic fires, reminding time, is not for buyers.

Eyes tightly shut, as darkness clouds in, how I wish I could begin again.

Without warning the darkness fades, leaving only a warmth on my face.

A shining light, in my darkest fight, a new day, an end to night. 

Everything Changes...

        I feel as though I have been standing still and time lapse is occurring all around me. Life is in constant motion and goes forward each day. I always feel like if only I could close my eyes and press pause for a second then I could deal with the flood of issues we daily face. Maybe I would show more grace and generosity if I could truly ponder each response to each action. My children, though still little seem to be aging every moment... and my reflection reminds me that I also have added days since I last truly looked at myself. Above all else time is valuable... It cannot be purchased or traded for... its a constant in a inconstant world. I dare to say that at 25 soon to be 26 I still feel like I am finding myself. Maybe that will never change... I hope it doesn't. I keep reminding myself to breath as life floods in all around me.
       Does anyone know me? How can they if I do not even know myself? Am I the person I was when I was 8 and walked the dirt roads barefooted with my best friend? Possibly, I am the person who waited in the halls for my boyfriend to get out of class... always with butterflies? The person who walked the college halls feeling without purpose and without peace? Possibly the girl who loved the sound of a tiny beating heart and finally began to see what life looked like for the first real time? Every moment of my existence has propelled me forward to this moment of question. Who am I?              Standing still as the life I have ticks by and being filled with wonder? What are the desires and passions that are locked so deeply inside of me? Change is unavoidable... and time is not certain.. but love always is... Perhaps this is why above all we are to love each other deeply. Love covers a multitude ... like the rain washing away the heat and dirt of the day. To be saturated in the coolness and the freshness of love. While I still don't understand who I am I do know who I want to be. Someone that Loves... Someone that Forgives... Someone that Changes.... Someone that is unafraid.

 

 

2015 NEW YEAR

It has been awhile since my last blog. I still think about that precious baby everyday.....

November and December has been a major blur for me. We have been BUSY!!! All things new at the Gibson house include.... well our house !!

We have purchased our very first home!! We closed on our house December the 12th and moved in before the papers were sighed that day ! I had just over a week to get us unpacked and all settled before packing up for Christmas! We moved in and I put up a tree and then.... THE FLU hit!

My boys started with what seemed to be a normal tummy bug ... no temp or anything. With in a few hours my sweet baby girl was running a 103.4 temp that was not responding to Tylenol or Motrin. I took them in ALONE ... all three of my kids and me ALONE on a dr visit. IT WAS TERRIBLE ! I had an appointment for 2:45 and did not leave that place till almost 6:00 <<< CRAY CRAY

One of the absolute worst weeks of my life! Kenzi tested positive for the flu but the boys tested negative. I spent the entire week trying to get them all well and prepare to go home for Christmas all while I was also battling some sickness. I have never seen my baby girl so pitiful. She started feeling better about day 4 and then the boys ran temps for 2 days ONLY. Then the day before we go home I get the call that my grandmother was having gallbladder surgery and had to have another surgery the following day. I was not HAPPY to say the least! You never feel so helpless as you do when your 5 hours away from someone you love and they need you.

Finally it was time to go HOME!!! YES Praise the Lord a break for MAMA!! Christmas is always extremely busy for I am sure everyone ...but for us it seems crazy every year. Going home and then making it to 4-5 Christmas events all in the few days we are home is a challenge. This year was different. We missed one for sickness and celebrated another 2 days late. During my visit I spent a lot of time seeing my Grandmother (Nanny). She is one of the most strong-willed women I have ever met. Strong willed and yet still so submissive in her life. I feel like I have told her many times or at least tried to choke out the words of what she means to me. I can not say enough to feel like I give her a true sense of what she means to our family. She has always taken care of me and loved me. She has always been filled with wisdom and truth. EVEN IF THE TRUTH HURT! My nanny is the glue that holds us all together and even though it was a routine surgery it felt so major to me. While I may not have always agreed with her and her ways.... the older I get the more I strive to be just like her. My grandfather is a very stubborn and sometimes difficult man... and yet she loves him through his faults. She chose to serve him and love him and she does it in the most respectful way. I love him too! I don't want it to be perceived as he is this awful person but he for sure is stubborn and I know that very blood runs through my veins as well. She is an amazing mother and grandmother.... she still puts her children above herself. I miss her and I wish I would have taken advantage of all the time I had with her as a child. The lessons we learn as we age..... Christmas was extra special this year to me as I savored all the moments with our families. Seeing my Grandfather step up and take care of my Nanny moved me. Our family came together to do all the things she normally does for Christmas and while she fought me every step of the way she also thanked me. During our Christmas while my kids were making a huge mess I took her arm and led her to her seat so she wouldn't fall .... she said "Stop acting like Im crazy." HAHA Love her!!

With Christmas in the bag for 2014 we headed back to our new home! I was ready this time. Maybe its the thought of its mine ALL mine. 1200 square feet is pretty small for a family of 5... but its MY 1200 sq ft and I LOVE IT!! Yall I can clean it sooooo fast =) !!

With 2014 BEHIND ME.... 2015 Before me... I cant help but sit here just feeling thankful. My children are all still sleeping and my home is warm and quiet. I have absolutely no where to be and nothing to do. Well actually I have about a million things to do... but in this moment nothing! 2015 looks good... it looks welcoming and it looks like love. It looks like LIFE.

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all"
-Oscar Wilde

"

The World Forgets.... Promise I Wont...

  As I sit here in the quiet of my home. All I can think about is your sweet face. I have waited all day for this quiet moment... and suddenly I wish I could wake my entire family up. In fact, I wish to wake the entire nation... the entire world. What happened to you was more evil than I care to try to understand. Nothing makes sense when I see things like this happening all around me... everyday. We save the animals... the environment.... and yet we murder our own. Save the human race... Sounds like a good campaign right?

ONLY IT HAS ALREADY BEEN DONE... JESUS CHRIST CAME TO THIS EARTH AND HE DIED FOR OUR SINS TO SAVE US FROM AN ETERNITY IN HELL WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT WE DESERVE. 

WHY?

BECAUSE HE LOVES US!

     His name is Scotty McMillan ... Baby Boy ... I want so badly to have loved you in this life. To have taken you away from those who were chosen to be your parents. I have studied your face... you remind me of my baby boy Kymbrel. Im sorry that we as a nation failed you. I wish I could have saved you... I wish I could have showed you that even though we were not made for this world that love does exist here. The world will forget you.. its heartbreaking but its true. I WILL NEVER forget you. I never met you but your sweet little face will be with me forever. Your little hands ... I just know that they would have fit perfectly in mine ... and my babies. They would have loved you more perfectly than even I could. All of this is feeling... hurt.. and anger and just disgust. Your sweet little life has already changed mine. In the 75 min I have known of your existence I have completely fallen in love with you. 

   While I could not save you... Jesus did... and While I could not show you love... Jesus IS.

   If there is anyone out there who feels like they just can not be a parent ... please reach out to me. Maybe you were not meant to be a parent .. Maybe you were supposed to be the delivery driver. What can seem like a life sentence to some would be a life dream for others. AND THAT IS OK.

   I will follow this story until it ends.... You have melted my heart and caused a spark. Praying my Spark ...turns into a flame... and that it burns into the hearts of those who hear your story. 

     I would say Rest In Peace... but I already know... Thank God.

Romans 12:19  Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,”says the Lord.

   

Home

Home is NOT a place... it is a feeling...

I have been visiting my home in North Alabama for the past week. I'm here basically on business this visit which feels strange considering how much I want to spend time with my family but somehow completely tend to fill up my time with work. Its been so nice though, to feel accomplished again as a photographer.

As I was driving to a shoot today in the town I went to high school in... it suddenly hit me... just a sadness. I was flooded with memories and thoughts... some good... some bad. I do love Killen and Florence where I would claim my roots are but something hurt me today about Lexington. I found myself even missing it. The tiniest of tiny towns... had somehow become a huge thing to me.

The best memories are not the snap shots in our mind.... the best kind are the ones that can captivate the senses. Its not the image so much as the feeling...

Much like my current town... Lexington is tiny. There are a few differences... Lexington does not have a Walmart, Hospital, or YMCA. What Lexington does have is a red light at the 4 way stop, a big star, and a cop that never catches a soul because everyone warns you by flashing their lights. The biggest thing in this tiny town is football and Lexington School. (Go Bears might I add). It is so much smaller than my current small town but somehow reflects the warm characteristics that I honestly found unexpected even today. Finding myself missing this place might have thrown me for a loop.

So while driving I begin to think about all the times I had said " I cant wait to graduate and get out of here." Well what a young and moronic statement.... Here I am... Completely out of this little town. Just taking in all that surrounds me....

Fields, Cows and Cotton.... old abandoned barns that called my name ... (come take pictures in front of me)

A sense of security is what I had discovered. How I miss the fullness of being safe. 

Your never a stranger in Lexington... Everyone knows you or at least they pretend to know you or even take the time to say " You new in town?" Its country at its finest. Jeans with Skoal rings and muddy boots topped off with a camo hat is what you will get. Some of the hardest working men and women that I have ever come across have come from Lexington. Always a familiar face ... and youll hear "I havent seen you around here in awhile"... and youll think ... It feels like it was just yesterday.

They say home is where the heart is...

Well, I believe it.

My heart says your home is here... its in every blue sky.. every field... every hay bail. Your home is in North Alabama. 

BUT the truth is ... Home is where my heart wants to be... not where it is.

The memory is a cool October day... and he is driving down a back road. Im just looking at him ... studying his face and hands.... being thankful he was mine. Smelling the coolness of fall and seeing the sun light dance behind him. His blue eyes... oh mercy how they cut straight to my soul. Seeing his crooked smile as he turns the radio up. We are flying down the road, windows down... hair a mess ... holding his hand... and singing at the top of our lungs.

See the absolute truth is that Home is where ever he is. He is equipped with every tool needed to captivate my heart.

Thank you Lord for him...

While I will always miss the beautiful place I grew up in... I know its never too far away.

It's in every smile and in every hug... When he hugs me... I close my eyes and not only can I see it but I feel it.

Home is not a place... it's a feeling...

Just a GOOD Day

I know the title is a tad bland for most, but for me its that cleansing breath that happens the moment the weight has been lifted. I have NOT been doing so well with accepting things recently. I know more than anyone how blessed my life is and how full of meaning, but sometimes I just have bad days.... or weeks... or just bad seasons in my life. I do not feel like it is a bad thing to go through the valleys sometimes. Some days I just want to feel bad... and sleep. Another reason my children are such blessings!! They force me to smile and laugh and get out of bed everyday. I may not love where I live, or the current situations I face everyday, but let me make it very clear.... I LOVE MY LIFE!

Every morning as I lay there fighting the drowsiness... I begin to hear my boys laughing in the next room. They giggle over and over.... no telling what they are laughing at. They always start their day with a smile... and with each other. They are happy. I would say that all I ever want for my children is their happiness but that would be a complete LIE! I want so so so much more than that! I want them to experience life and all the joys of it to the absolute fullest. I want them to understand just how much they are loved... not just by me but also by Jesus.

I hear the door open next... Candon checks to see if Im awake... I keep my eyes tightly shut. I know I know I need to get up and be a mom but he is like an alarm clock ! Im allowed about 3 snooze hits before he eventually comes in a peels my eyes open and I hear "Good Morning Mama!". Then something amazing happens.... I smile. Every day I wake up to them the same way... I may not want to get up, or I might even be a little grouchy but I still Smile! Something about hearing my sweet boy say good morning... for a brief moment... Im happy and a smile creeps in. Then I hear little feet.... and see two BIG blue eyes peering at me over a empty bottle. "More drink mama".... =) ... Good Morning Kymbrel... "morning mama".... and he disappears down the hall to meet me for his refill ! 

Kenzi since moving into her own room has decided that she will sleep not 8-8 like normal... but 9-5 then she needs a snack and will go back to sleep till 9:30. I am NOT joking... Every morning at 5 AM I drag myself down the hall and make her bottle... drag my self back to her room and look down at her and she is smiling.... not a oh HI yay a bottle smile.... its a HUGE whole face your the most amazing person I love you so much mama... smile. THEN I SMILE !! She takes her bottle and I check her diaper... you know eyes closed and you do the squishy test... then she is off to sleep and so am I.

This morning I woke up... and missed church ... I over slept.. and when your a stay at home mom sometimes over sleeping is just what you need. I woke up the same way ... same smiles ... same cup refill. I got up and got everyone taken care of and then I made me a cup of coffee and decided to go outside. The sun was shining so perfectly this morning... the air was cool and I even wore a sweatshirt!! I took my bible and my camera out and just sat... observed and read the word. I have been praying for peace about certain areas of my life for sometime and it was like I felt it today for the first time. Like I felt God say " I am your peace no matter what the world looks like ... no matter the chaos....
no matter the fears you may have... no matter how homesick you may get...

 I AM YOUR PEACE."

Im not saying that I won't have another bad day or week or season in my life but I feel I have some clarity. 

I went in and seen that my baby girl had woke up and was ready to eat... her daddy was changing her. Something about seeing him with her... it does something odd and warm and gushy to my insides. I just feel like a puddle of love. I have never known a true father daughter relationship... until now. Its like watching a movie... but its all real life.

After I got everyone down for naps... including my husband haha... I got ready for a photo-shoot!

I always get so nervous before photographing people... especially new people!! Dont get me wrong I 100% LOVE what I do its just the anxiety is always present in car. I think things like " I hope they like me... I hope I dont look too lazy... I hope they dont expect me to have a lot of equipment.... im in a t-shirt and hat I look terrible.... WHY did I wear flip flops? MY toe nails look terrible.... i have like 3 and 1/3 painted." Then I get there and see the client... and all is perfect.

Suddenly I lose all anxiety and become completely blind with ideas....

Todays setting was absolutely gorgeous !! I felt like I had been on vacation when I left NOT like I had spent 2 hours shooting photos! There was a tremendous feeling of home. It reminded me so much of where I am from which normally makes me so sad... but not today. Looking at the green fields and the cotton that went on forever... all I could do was smile while the sun kissed my face and the breeze blew all around me. Close my eyes... take a deep breath and just feel it... just let it all in. 

Peace... and Home

The baby was a little DOLL !! His name was Eli and he was just an absolute precious little squishy baby. His EYES were out of this world too !! He was so easy to photograph !! I loved seeing him and his beautiful mommy today. There is nothing in the entire world that can compare to the love you will see between a parent and a child. Thank you heavenly father for allowing us to experience just a small taste of how much you love us. I can not imagine loving anyone or anything more than I love my children... its overwhelming to think of how much you Love me.... Of how much you love us all. 

For God So Loved The World

At the end of the day... Im sitting here trying to piece together the pieces ... trying to understand how I let myself get so broken up and misplaced over the last few weeks. I will always miss my family. I will always miss my home. That will never change.... no matter how many bad days I choose to have. I need to accept Gods Peace and Embrace his Hugs. The day started with this amazing light... Maybe thats all it really took for me to get it... I just needed to see the light. I needed to feel the warmth on my face. 

It has been a very Good Day!

THIS BLOG!

Well... Let me first just say ... NO I did NOT just write about 20 Blog Entries in ONE day!! I wish I could be that awesome though... I realized today after having a blog for a few months and getting absolutely ZERO followers ....that I did NOT have a way for them to follow me! LOL (My Life) ! NO this blog is NOT about getting followers but, more just for me to be able to vent and tell my story! I hope to find other moms out there that need encouragement and possibly a laugh. I can be funny.... or at least I can try =) ! 

Being a stay at home mom is quite difficult... and so amazing! I just needed a place just for me. Even if its sitting in my filthy Kitchen sipping reheated coffee listening to my 2 year old beg for his 5th cup of something. I have found that I take care of everyone and absolutely everything but myself. I never give myself the credit that I do to those around me. I highly doubt that will ever change... I think its just part of who I am. I know that I need to take a few moments just for me even if my husband says "NO honey ... Please NOOOOOO don't make me do your Job!" <<< He would never say it that way ...it would be more like " Im playing Xbox and I dont care if they absolutly drive you nuts... eventually I know you will put down your 4x reheated coffee and tend to them." Which is ok... I guess... He does work super hard to get to enjoy some of the perks I drool over. Seriously HE gets to do everything lol... Bathe ALONE and Use the POTTY ALL ALONE!! He doesnt have to share his food or his TV or XBox time... He doesnt have to do laundry or dishes... Where was I going with this?? OH yeah ... He works hard for the perks of resting on his off time. I take my shower like a super hero.... You will never see a woman shower faster than me lol. I am always in constant fear haha ... no really my boys are growing up 4 and 2... well that is a pretty grown up age. I dont want to scar them for life by walking in on their mama! LOCK THE DOOR you say!! Well thats a wonderful THOUGHT! Our door doesn't lock right and I have a even bigger fear that I will get stuck in there and then not be able to get out requiring me to let my children run free around my house unsupervised or crawl out of the bathroom window naked... and neither of those will work for me! Kymbrel my 2 year old loves dangerous things too much!! I could lay a knife and a piece of candy out for him to choose from and I guarantee you he would choose the pointy dangerous object... hold me captive with it and then run away with the candy... =)
OK enough of the jabbering today!

ALL IN ALL !! This is my NEW BLOG and I am excited to be BACK and NOW people can actually follow me !! YAY!!!